Reality Check!!

The past 4 weeks have been a blur! I woke up this morning in my own bed, showered, dressed, and off to work for the first time since December 24th. As I drove in the pre-dawn darkness, it hit me that life goes on. The people I passed as I drove the 12 miles to the store had no idea of what our family had experienced over the past 4 weeks. But, God gave me the thought, that I did not know what they had experienced either. I was so aware of God's grace in the moment and the fact that He meets us right at our point of need. He is always present..He never deserts us. When I arrived at the store, I found a peace lily on my desk with a simple note, "God loves you and so do we." Isn't that just like God?
I will be forever thankful for the notes, calls, cards, flowers, and words of encouragement we have received over the past few weeks. When you go through difficult times like these, I realize that people really don't know what to do or what to say. Often times, just a encouraging word or their very presence is enough. On Thursday prior to daddy's passing, I felt a real need to sit down beside him and tell him that it was OK for him to go. As I cried out and my heart burst with the realization that this would be the most difficult thing I had ever expressed to a loved one...as I told him how much I loved him and how I would look after my sisters...I felt my brother-in-law come up behind me and simply rest his hand on my shoulder. As I emptied my heart, I knew God placed Derrick by my side at that very moment just to let me know that everything would be OK and that as a family, we would always be overcomers.

Go Rest High On That Mountain

Recently my friend, Mark, reintroduced me to a song that I had not heard in quite awhile. "Go Rest High On That Mountain" was originally recorded by Vince Gill. For the past few days I have listened to it over and over. Music is my peace in times of trouble and turmoil. When I don't have the words to say or life is throwing rocks, I can always count on the Lord to give me a song.This is a beautiful melody and I can only imagine it has been performed at countless funerals since it was written.
Tomorrow, Debbie, Stacey, Trey, and I will make the drive back to Wilmington to be there for Daddy's services on Friday. When those services are over, we'll pack up and leave for Salisbury, NC where we'll have graveside services on Saturday and lay Daddy to rest beside momma. I have spent some time today trying to organize my thoughts and seeking God's will as to what I should share at the services on Friday. I know we have each thought alot about what the hospice counselor told us last week and that was to tell the story of WHO my dad was and what will be his legacy. That is not difficult for me. I could talk for hours about my dad. He taught me about patriotism. He taught me about hard work and loyalty. He instilled in me the drive to always take care of my family. He invested many hours in teaching me about boating, fishing, and hunting. I will always have a love of airplanes and flying because of the hours he spent talking to me about different aspects of aviation. While I will never have his ability to work with my hands the way that he did, I do have his mind inasmuch as I can usually take a problem or situation and analyze it to a acceptable solution. I will be forever grateful for the love I have for the sea and that all came through my father.
I'm still feeling lost. I find myself having a thought and it bringing a tear. It wasn't too long ago that we were sitting in his living room and he was describing his funeral service to me. He mentioned some songs....his country owes him a flag and TAPS and he wants that as well. He asked me to be strong for the sisters. That I did not give him. I'm sorry daddy.

What Is Dying?

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
"Gone, where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at that moment when someone at my side says, "there, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad show, "here she comes!"

While those of us here on earth said, "there, he is gone", I can hear momma now saying to all our relatives and friends that are with her in glory, "here he comes."

I Don't Know What To Do

When I don't know what to do....
I lift my hands.
When I don't know what to say....
I sing Your praise.
When I don't know where to go...
I run to Your throne
When I don't know what to think...
I stand on Your truth.

Santa is still coming......

I was wide awake this morning at 5:45AM. I could have slept as late as I wanted too as I don't have anywhere to be until 1PM. When I awoke, I realized what today is and what tomorrow brings! Even though the past few weeks have been so very hard to deal with, Santa is still coming!!! I have a different perspective on this celebration as I enjoy Christmas more than any other time of the year. Without Christmas...there would be no hope! Jesus came into this world that I might have hope, that I might have life, that I might have eternity. Today more than ever....I have that peace that surpasses all human understanding. While it is hard to understand all that my sisters and I have experienced over the past few weeks with my dad, God understands not only where we are....but what my dad is going through. I pray for them and I pray for him.
As I lay in bed this morning, my mind raced back to Christmas past, especially those I remember as a child. I remember the BB gun when I was only 6 years old. Daddy set up a cardboard box in the basement and I would shoot and shoot. When the gun was empty, I would retrieve all the BB's from the box and start all over again. When I was about 10, spyder bikes were the rage and I got a new one for Christmas. It was special! 3 speeds, silver with a white seat that had flames on it. At 11, I got my first real gun...a single shot 410 shotgun. Daddy and I went squirrel hunting that afternoon. We didn't shoot any squirrels, but I felt like a real man walking in the woods with my dad that day. I still have that shotgun and think about that day every time I see it.
As I have grown older, Christmas has grown more and more special, but for a different reason. Now I am way more excited about giving than I am receiving. My most special gift is to just be with my family and watch the excitement they experience. Tripp & Makinley really put everything into perspective for me and when I look at them, I am reminded of how Scripture teaches us the special feelings Jesus had for the little children.
I am sitting here at the moment remembering my momma and the little things. That is what Christmas is all about.

The Hug!

There are some days you just need a hug! By the time I got home from Daddy's Tuesday night, I was definitely looking for one and my Debbie was waiting. The same thing happened at work on when I got back....not only did my group surround my dad and I in prayer, but they are full of hugs as well. I'm reminded that they are only able to love me because of who first loved us.
I listened to my dad on the phone last night for 1 hour and 37 minutes. I say I listened because I actually only said maybe 10 words. No doubt he is anxious, agitated, angry, and scared. The medicine has made him terribly aggressive, but I believe that if I could roll back the layers and the facade, I would see my dad is just awfully frightened. I wish there was a way that my sisters and I could help him deal with it better than he is, but I have come to the realization that none of this caught God by surprise. I have to turn it over to Him and be obedient to what the Holy Spirit encourages me to do to be a servant to my father.
Right now, I truly believe that the battle is spiritual am I am praying for heavenly protection from our guardian angels for my sisters and I that we may be protected from discouragement and frustration and be empowered to say and do all the right things going forward.

God Is Faithful

Do you ever have those days that you just wish you could go to sleep and not wake up until all the storms have passed? I have had a few of those days and to be honest, I did not handle them very well. As a believer, I know that during the tough times that God is always right beside me...helping me to persevere. I also know that I am still a work in progress and I have those times where I am blinded by the stresses of everyday life.
I have always been one that when I love you...I love you for life. There may be days that I don't like you a whole lot, but that doesn't change my love. I would do anything for those I love! There are those times when those who mean the most to us aren't very lovable and that is what I have experienced over the past few days visiting with my dad. I have had firsthand experience with someone's realization that they have a terminal illness. I have had firsthand experience with the terrible side effects of different medicines in combination. I have spent 3 1/2 days in mental misery trying to cope with something I don't understand.
On the other hand..I have seen God demonstrate his love in ways that my dad doesn't understand. He doesn't undersand how, at last count, he has received Chrsitmas cards and notes of prayer/encouragment from 36 different people. He doesn't understand the phone calls of support, paryer, and encouragement. He doesn't understand how the cashier at the grocery store where he has shopped for years stopped long enough to send him a christmas card. He doesn't understand how his son can be so emotional he can hardly speak because his father and hero only has a short time left here on this earth and how anxious he is to know that his father knows he can spend eternity in heaven.
It is a difficult time for my dad. It is a difficult time for my sisters...whom I love very much. It is a difficult time for our families as well because when we hurt...they hurt as well.
"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." Psalm 147:3